Won't you please forgive me?
by The Cell
Summary: Blaine is struggling to find his place.


Just a short one shot. I own neither the characters nor the song.

* * *

"Blaine, are you ok?" He looked up from his notebook, surprised. He hadn't realised anyone else had come in but the entire glee club was staring down at him with looks ranging from annoyance to concern. He nodded quickly and stuffed his books back into his bag, moving from his place on the floor to one of the chairs hurriedly.

They didn't seem prepared to allow the matter to rest. Kurt took his hand and Rachel stared him down. They kept firing questions at him. Why was he so quiet? (Was he?) Was someone bullying him? (No. He actually got along with most of the people he'd talked to so far.) Was it his family? (Was what his family?) Why didn't he sing yesterday? (He hadn't figured out what he was going to sing yet.) What was wrong with him?

That seemed to be the million dollar question.

Why was there something wrong with him? Shouldn't he be the first to know if there were? He simply wasn't equipped to answer that in any way that would satisfy them. There wasn't an easy answer, except: "I'm fine." He was. There wasn't anything wrong. Nothing had suddenly changed.

He found a guitar shoved into his hands. Kurt told him he expressed himself better through song. He didn't think that was entirely right. He expressed something through song, but if last year was anything to go by he wasn't very good at expressing the right thing. He didn't mention this.

"Just sing what comes to mind. Whatever you're feeling."

Whatever you're feeling. What was he feeling? He felt detached, listless, bored. He shook his head and let his fingers play across the strings of Sam's guitar. He dimly registered that the random notes formed into a melody without his permission. It was a song he hadn't even realised he remembered.

_Is it cruel or kind not to speak my mind,_  
_and to lie to you rather than hurt you?_

His eyes flickered up to find bemusement coloring the faces of his friends. It could be that they didn't recognize the song, or that they just couldn't see where he was going with it. He wasn't sure he knew.

_Well I'll confess all of of my sins_  
_after several large gins_  
_but still I'll hide from you,_  
_hide what's inside from you._

He didn't really know what was wrong with him. He didn't think he'd been acting strange, but the looks on his friends' faces told him he had. He looked back down at his fingers. He allowed the song to carry him.

_And alarm bells ring_  
_when you say your heart still sings_  
_when you're with me._  
_Won't you please forgive me?_  
_But I no longer hear the music _

The world was on mute. Blaine was unhappy. He didn't know when he'd become that way or even why. He definitely used to be happy...didn't he? He couldn't actually remember when that was. He was happy at Dalton, with the Warblers, on the field with the polo team, with Kurt. He still had Kurt. Why was he not happy?

_And all the memories of the pubs _  
_and the clubs and the drugs and the tubs _  
_we shared together,_  
_Will stay with me forever._

He could remember every detail of Kurt's face as he leaned in for the first brush of lips. He remembered curling up on one of the couches at a Warbler party.

_But all the highs and the lows _  
_and the to's and the fro's, _  
_They left me dizzy, _

He hadn't been able to breathe freely since he set foot on McKinley grounds. It wasn't even the jocks. Every moment in the New Directions was chaotic. They all thrived in the anarchy, but Blaine was left in a perpetual tailspin. The constant fight was exhausting.

_Oh won't you please forgive me _  
_I no longer hear the music _

He could hear Tina crying softly and wondered if he was projecting what he was feeling or if he would leave everyone with the wrong impression once again.

_Well I no longer hear the music when the lights go out,_  
_Love goes cold in the shades of doubt_

Was that what had happened? Did he let the doubt fester until it had taken over completely? Since when did he have doubts at all? That wasn't right though. Blaine always had doubts, about everything. He had never had that absolute certainty he saw in others' eyes. He never knew, he just dove in anyway.

_The strange fate in my mind is all too clear._  
_Music when the lights come on _  
_The girl I thought I knew has gone,_  
_And with her my heart had disappeared..._

He had followed his heart to McKinley, but he hadn't quite caught up to it. He just felt lost. He had left a part of himself behind and he hadn't filled the space it had left. He had scrambled at first to fill it with Kurt, and it had been so easy to wrap himself in Kurt. But Kurt was going to be graduating and there needed to still be a full Blaine there next year.

_Well I no longer hear the music_  
_Oh no no no no no_

For the first time he was realizing that his leap of faith may have been premature. There wasn't a place for Blaine in the New Directions. He hadn't shaped himself into the new Blaine that could be one of them. He hadn't built himself up at all. He had stripped himself of his comfort zone and found himself floundering.

_All the memories of the fights and the nights _  
_and the blue lights, all the kites _  
_We flew together,_  
_I thought they'd fly forever._

He had thrown himself head first into his relationship with Kurt and it had been an easy decision to follow him to McKinley. Giving up the safety of Dalton seemed like nothing at all and the Warblers had been so supportive when he explained his feelings on the matter. He hadn't really considered what would happen if it wasn't forever.

_But all the highs and the lows _  
_and the to's and the fro's_  
_They left me dizzy, _  
_Oh won't you forgive me_

Maybe he should leave. Dalton wasn't his safe haven anymore, but maybe he could retreat from the fight. It might be time to step back. He needed time, peace. He needed to distance himself from the crutch his performing had become. Kurt was crying too. He was swiping salty tears away as he left the room. Most of the looks had turned disapproving now.

_But I no longer hear the music_

Glee wasn't everything.

* * *

The song, for anyone wondering, is called Music When the Lights Go Out, and is by the Libertines.


End file.
